Breaking The Don’t Talk Rule.

The “don’t talk” rule helps in keeping the dysfunction alive and thriving - because if we don’t talk about the problems, then there aren’t any problems to fix.

Breaking The Don’t Talk Rule.

‘When you are speaking about what happened you are owning your losses; you are letting go of minimizing, rationalizing, and denial. It is part of rectifying your past. It means you are no longer carrying the baggage that comes with denial.’ - Big Red Book

“Can you keep me and your dad out of it?”

Those were the first words my mom said to me when she found out about my podcast.

Luckily, I was well prepared to answer this question. I had spent several sessions discussing this with my therapist - how much should I share about my childhood? I considered keeping parts of my story private, like simply saying that one of my parents was an alcoholic, instead of divulging which parent it was. But then I realized not telling my whole story just felt wrong.

Dysfunctional families operate by three unspoken rules - don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel.  The “don’t talk” rule helps in keeping the dysfunction alive and thriving - because if we don’t talk about the problems, then there aren’t any problems to fix. We don’t talk about the family problems with each other, and we definitely don’t talk about it with anyone outside the family! And this results in us believing that WE ARE THE PROBLEM - a belief that follows us into adulthood and wreaks havoc on our lives.

Here's the deal - breaking the ‘Don’t Talk’ rule is an imperative part of adult child recovery. Talking about the shit we don’t want to talk about, talking about the shit we have never talked about, shining a light on the painful parts of our childhoods is an absolutely necessary part of healing.

“But the past is in the past - it's time to get over that shit and live in the present.”

Wrong.

Dredging up the past is the only way an adult child can stop living in the past and start living in the present. It’s not enough to simply have the realization that your childhood screwed you up; this alone won’t result in any profound healing. 

“But talking about my childhood means I’m betraying my family.”

This is a common resistance that comes up for adult children as they embark on the path to recovery – that acknowledging and sharing the truth of their childhood is like throwing their parents under the proverbial bus. But that’s not what this is about. This about looking at the causes and conditions that made us the way we are. And no, I’m not saying you have to give those who have harmed you a free pass, have a relationship with them or don’t have a relationship with them. What I’m saying is that if you stay rooted in the blaming or shaming of your family, it can often block you from the end goal – reprogramming the faulty programming of your childhood.  

‘Speaking your truth, owning your reality is not an act of betrayal with your parents. There is betrayal, but the betrayal is with the disease, the disorder, the dysfunction. To not own your reality or to not speak your truth is the ultimate act of betrayal to yourself.’ Big Red Book

We must also remember that our parents are just a product of their own dysfunctional upbringings. The dysfunction most likely didn’t start with our parents. This shit gets passed from generation to generation. Which is why examining our past is so damn important; because it allows us the opportunity to break the cycle of family dysfunction and not pass it on to the next generation.

It's also important to remember that a loving family and a dysfunctional family are not mutually exclusive. That’s exactly how I responded to my mom - I explained to her that given how important breaking the don’t rule is to recovery, I would feel like a walking contradiction if I didn’t speak my truth. So, while I would be sharing the more intimate parts of my upbringing, I promised her that I would do it in a kind, respectful and compassionate way. She said she understood and “gave me her blessing.”

And the true cherry on top, has been hearing from both my parents (several times over the past year) how proud they are of me, the podcast and the impact it’s having.