The Real Cost of Forgiving Too Soon

What no one tells you about being “the bigger person.”

What if the thing keeping you stuck isn’t your inability to forgive—but the fact that you forgave too soon?

Forgiveness is often framed as the final step in healing. The thing we’re supposed to strive for. The thing that makes us evolved, spiritual, free.

Let’s explore the real cost of premature forgiveness—what it blocks, what it enables, and why it keeps so many of us stuck in cycles we thought we’d healed from.

---

1️⃣ You Can’t Skip to Forgiveness Before You’ve Sat with Rage

Let’s talk about the emotion so many of us were punished for showing—or taught was not okay to feel: rage.

Here’s the truth: rage is sacred. It’s not the opposite of healing—it’s the beginning of it. It’s your nervous system finally saying, “That wasn’t okay.”

In this past week’s episode, Sarah Michaud names something so many of us need to hear: You can’t bypass your rage and call it forgiveness.

She shares how, for years, she didn’t even realize she was angry—because like so many women, she’d been taught to be “nice,” to keep the peace, to suppress the fire and perform forgiveness.

But as she says, unfelt anger doesn’t disappear—it festers into resentment, illness, anxiety, and chronic self-abandonment.

Healing didn’t begin when she tried to forgive—it began when she let herself feel.
When she gave space to what had been buried for decades.

Because rage is what allows grief to surface. It’s what gives rise to clarity. It’s what makes real boundaries even possible.

Bottom line: If you skip your anger, you’re not forgiving—you’re avoiding. And your body will keep the score until you stop pretending you’re fine.

2️⃣ Forgiveness Without Accountability Is Just Enabling

Forgiveness without accountability doesn’t break the cycle—it preserves it.

This came through powerfully in last week’s Shitshow Saturday episode, when Steven shared how he’s been stuck in a painful pattern: blame, forgiveness, return, repeat.

He described how he’ll start to feel better, reconnect with his inner child, and then—right on cue—that part of him wants to forgive. Because that’s what he was taught healing looks like.

So he forgives. He goes back. And then he crashes again. Why? Because nothing changed.

As Steven put it: “It becomes a constant game of blame and forgiveness, blame and forgiveness, blame and forgiveness.” And without changed behavior, there’s no resolution—just reliving.

It wasn’t until he fully processed his anger toward his father—a man who had actually done deep work—that forgiveness felt real.

But with his mother and siblings, who remain emotionally frozen and unwilling to engage, he’s had to draw a line: No effort, no access.

He’s not rushing forgiveness just to feel like the spiritual one. He’s protecting his peace.

Because you can have compassion and still have boundaries. You can love someone and still say, “You don’t get access to me until you’ve earned it.”

3️⃣ Forgiving Too Soon Is Just Gaslighting Yourself with Good Intentions

If you’re forgiving someone before you’ve even admitted how deeply they hurt you…
That’s not healing. That’s self-abandonment.

It sounds like:
• “They’re just a product of their trauma.”
• “It’s not worth holding a grudge.”
• “I should just move on.”

On the surface, it sounds noble—even spiritual. But underneath, you’re skipping steps. You’re skipping yourself.

Because you can’t forgive what you haven’t even let yourself fully feel. And if you’re offering forgiveness to avoid your grief, your rage, your need to be seen—you’re not being generous. You’re gaslighting yourself.

Let’s call it what it is: Premature forgiveness is the inner child saying, “If I’m understanding enough, maybe they’ll love me better next time.”

Spoiler: they won’t.

And the cost of that? You stay in relationships that hurt you. You convince yourself your pain is an overreaction. You abandon your own story to protect someone else's reputation.
You bypass the anger—but stay stuck in the wound.

It doesn’t bring closure. It just freezes the healing process and calls it peace.

---

🎧 Have you listened to this week’s episodes?

• Sarah’s Episode – When a psychologist with decades of sobriety and a successful practice found herself in a toxic relationship, she finally came to terms with her unresolved childhood trauma that was running the show. In this episode, Sarah breaks down the real roots of codependency, why we confuse it with empathy, and how unresolved trauma keeps us trapped in fear-based connection..

• Shitshow Saturday – This week’s episode is a raw, unfiltered recording from a recent Shitshow support group session, where we unpack how our adult minds try to rationalize childhood trauma — and end up gaslighting the pain of the child who lived it. If you’ve ever said “others had it worse” or struggled to understand why you're still affected, this conversation will shift something.